3 posts tagged “scary”

To give you an idea of where my head is at the moment, here's a Skype chat I had with Marcus earlier today:

Sian Meades says: Marcus, when you guys set up Webjam, did you have million things to do the day before and think it was all going to go wrong and be a big fat mess?
Marcus Greenwood says: thats my life in one sentence
Sian Meades says: so this feeling of panic is normal? it's OK that by three o-clock you might find me hiding under my desk?
Marcus Greenwood says: thats fine
Marcus Greenwood says: you can take your laptop down there
Sian Meades says: or throw it out of the window.
Marcus Greenwood says: this is also acceptable
Sian Meades says: brilliant

My website launches tomorrow. The website that I've been working on since April 27th. The day after Ant's birthday when I said to Cate that I had an idea for a website that had been in my head for a few days. She bloody well went and told me it was a good idea so I did lots of scribbling. Damn her! Over three months of hard work is all going to be in front of you tomorrow. And you can judge it and tell me it's shit and think I'm rubbish and there's fuck all I can do about it.

It's the scariest thing ever. IN THE WORLD. Scarier than that film with the scary things in the caves (and that's SCARY SCARY.)

Because this is the first time I've worked hard on something for just me. I haven't got anyone behind me. I've got a GREAT team of writers (many thanks to Jane for keeping me sane today!) and there have been a million people who have stopped me from going crazy. Sam has helped me get the site to where it is now. He was like my Media Assistant and basically trawled through all of my thoughts and rubbish to pick out the good stuff. The important stuff than I need to concentrate on. Without that, well the website would probably read a lot like this blog and full of crap no one cares about. Without Cate saying to me that the idea was brilliant in the first place, I wouldn't have started. With Matt bouncing ideas with me back and forth and being practical (really) I'd have got distracted. Without Rob H helping me with all the techy stuff and Alberto doing a FABULOUS design, I wouldn't be in this blind state of terror right now. Because I wouldn't have a website to launch.

And despite web launch terror, I think you're all brilliant and I'm humbled that you've all been so helpful and supportive.

I hope you like the site.

Today I got offered a brilliant brilliant job. A job that's perfect for me and a job that I can do well.

I'm now Community Editor for the site Webjam.

Community Editor. Sounds shiny doesn't it?

I'm happy today. I really think this job is going to be good for me and I'm excited by many things now. I'm still freelance. The job is part time which means that I'll get out of the house for half of the week. Thank fuck for that. I can actually go a whole day without speaking to people in the real world sometimes. That's scary.

But it also means I've got time to do all of my other projects too. In fact, I'll have to manage my time better to fit it all in so I'll probably write more instead of playing Mario Kart. Brilliant. My website is still launching this month. I'm still excited about that.

The most important thing? Well I left my job at Cedar six months ago. It's taken me six months to get my little freelance world all sorted out. In a few weeks time I'll be earning real money. I've spent half this time tearing my hair out and crying. A lot. With frustration mostly It's been pretty shit actually. I'd love to say it's been a great six months, but it's been hard and actually not that fun. I'm too tired to have a beer to celebrate. I still need to write four more proposals this evening.

But I'm happy.

Because I did all this. It took me a while and I couldn't have done it without the support of my wonderful friends and family but this was my work. It was my pitches, my hard work and my 'fuck off I bloody well can do this' attitude. And the fact that I actually am a bloody good writer. I forget that sometimes. I was really close to giving up a few times but I'm far too stubborn for that. And it's paid off. Writing at three in the morning for six months has paid off. And it's worth every single minute of it.

I'm going to catch up on some sleep now.

The scariest writing thing is happening to me today. I'm scared of writing. Which to most non-writers is going to make me sound like a moron. But those of you who have ever tried to scribble on a blank page or type something onto an empty screen will know how scary this is.

Especially when your prospective client is uber cool and chic.

I don't usually have a problem with uber cool. Cate insisted to me this morning that I really am cool and as she put it, I'm very 'Dazed and Confused' which I like to think she meant in a nice way. But now I'm sitting at my laptop and I'm trying to be cool. Which is stupid. I'm trying to portray that I'm cool to someone I've never met and probably never will.

Which is frankly, ridiculous.

Instead of writing silly, amusing things off the cuff like I usually would, I've second guessed every single sentence I've written. I've deleted them all, deciding that they're rubbish. The worst thing is, they're probably not that bad. But today, I just don't trust myself. 

This is the scariest thing in the world for a writer. This is 'hiding behind the sofa' scary. I might go and do that instead of staring at a blank screen.