11 posts tagged “cate”
People leave. I know that seems like a fairly obvious thing to say, but it's true. Especially now it's entirely normal to go and live in another country for a few months, even a few years, it's natural that people you see regularly, one day won't be there anymore.
Marian goes back to America this weekend. I'm going to miss her lots and lots and I'm very sad. But it's more than that. There's something strange about the whole leaving thing. There's something different about modern day friendships.
I love my friends more than anything. Even more than the two kittens curled up next to me on TikiChris' sofa. And I hate the idea of them leaving. But they do. They leave. It happens lots more now. Whether they shoot of travelling for a few months, or move back to hometowns, or away from hometowns, the friendships and relationships that you forge change. More than they ever would have a few years back.
Without the internet, how eager would I have been to travel to China? Yeah I still went on my own, but in the back of my head I did think 'at least I can email people back home'. And I did. A lot. (Though the bombings in London probably forced a bit more communication.) But I always knew that there would be people at the end of a phone line of the end of a modem.
People don't think about it now. Communication between friends takes very little effort. Marian and I will keep in touch on Facebook etc and that's brilliant. But there's something strange about having people in your life for a set amount of time. Sofia leaves London in April. And I just can't imagine London without her.
I love that I've met all of these brilliant jet-setting people recently, they're all brilliant. And I know that I'm just as likely to bugger off to the other side of the world as anyone, but I just find that the dynamics of friendships has changed. It's not the kind of thing your expect to evolve, but as much as social networking and technology have changed our life, it's affected our social lives as well.
This should seem fairly obvious, after all, it's not called 'social networking' for nothing. But there's something different. Not just in how you interact with your friends, but with where they are in the world. With how you speak to them every day. Social networking should make you closer. And to some extent it does. Cate and I use Facebook to chat shit that only we understand (in fairness, we do this in real life too) and I can keep in touch with Marian while she's miles away. This is brilliant and I'm so pleased that this is possible. But some of my friends aren't glued to a computer all day every day. And we speak less. Because now it's harder to pick up the phone.
For the first time in aaaaaaaaages Ang and I hung out. Properly. Proper gossiping with wine and silliness (and kittens being distracting). We both agree that this doesn't happen anymore. Not nearly often enough. Not because we don't want to see each other, but because our life is entirely full of other stuff. Sometimes I can feel like I've spent all day talking to my friends online and that I don't need to go out and see them. Social networking isn't meant to stop you seeing your friends. It's not meant to replace interaction. Twittering isn't meant to happen instead of conversation. Birthday cards should still be sent. Phone calls should still be made. Poking should be banned.
It's just hit me this weekend how much our relationships our changing. From Cupcate writing last month about not having a 'best friend', and to us having so many online 'friends' that we don't meet. Then there's the networking 'friend' that we have. The ones that we drink with and talk shop and possibly even bitch about when they've gone (guilty) because they aren't real friends. All of this is strange and weird and unsettling. I just want my friends back. I want them to stay in one place and I want to see them. I miss Marian, I don't want Sofia to leave and I want to see Ang and Virgil and Cate much more than I do. I miss my friends. It's the only thing I don't like changing. They're all brilliant and I'm sad to see them leave.
I know that's selfish, but they're the most important things in the world to me and I'm not ready to let them go yet.
To give you an idea of where my head is at the moment, here's a Skype chat I had with Marcus earlier today:
Sian Meades says: Marcus, when you guys set up Webjam, did you have million things to do the day before and think it was all going to go wrong and be a big fat mess?
Marcus Greenwood says: thats my life in one sentence
Sian Meades says: so this feeling of panic is normal? it's OK that by three o-clock you might find me hiding under my desk?
Marcus Greenwood says: thats fine
Marcus Greenwood says: you can take your laptop down there
Sian Meades says: or throw it out of the window.
Marcus Greenwood says: this is also acceptable
Sian Meades says: brilliant
My website launches tomorrow. The website that I've been working on since April 27th. The day after Ant's birthday when I said to Cate that I had an idea for a website that had been in my head for a few days. She bloody well went and told me it was a good idea so I did lots of scribbling. Damn her! Over three months of hard work is all going to be in front of you tomorrow. And you can judge it and tell me it's shit and think I'm rubbish and there's fuck all I can do about it.
It's the scariest thing ever. IN THE WORLD. Scarier than that film with the scary things in the caves (and that's SCARY SCARY.)
Because this is the first time I've worked hard on something for just me. I haven't got anyone behind me. I've got a GREAT team of writers (many thanks to Jane for keeping me sane today!) and there have been a million people who have stopped me from going crazy. Sam has helped me get the site to where it is now. He was like my Media Assistant and basically trawled through all of my thoughts and rubbish to pick out the good stuff. The important stuff than I need to concentrate on. Without that, well the website would probably read a lot like this blog and full of crap no one cares about. Without Cate saying to me that the idea was brilliant in the first place, I wouldn't have started. With Matt bouncing ideas with me back and forth and being practical (really) I'd have got distracted. Without Rob H helping me with all the techy stuff and Alberto doing a FABULOUS design, I wouldn't be in this blind state of terror right now. Because I wouldn't have a website to launch.
And despite web launch terror, I think you're all brilliant and I'm humbled that you've all been so helpful and supportive.
I hope you like the site.
A perfume girl. You know the ones. The ones who walk past wearing some amazing perfume and you can smell it as you walk down the street. All the while thinking 'why doesn't my perfume ever do that'?
A water drinking girl. I just don't get it. Eight glasses a day? Are you kidding me? I'd like radiant skin that apparently comes with the water drinking, but I fear the gin and fags might negate the healing properties. Besides, it doesn't bloody taste of anything.
A messy haired half up half down girl. I can't do it. I look silly. I don't understand! Why if my hair is messy it just looks SHIT? Damn Sienna Miller. It's all her fault.
A weather girl. They're just cool. It would be fun. They match the colour of their outfits to the weather. THAT is brilliant. Except I can't wear yellow, red or orange. Bollocks. I'll be a radio weather girl. In a helicopter. Like Challenge Anneka.
Challenge Anneka: Aside from the jumpsuit, she just had the best job. I'd be ace at that. Plus, it's the only show that hasn't had a revival recently. I'll buy a cool jumpsuit thing from Topshop and we'll be sorted. Oooh, Cate could be in the studio! We'd swap every week. That would be the best TV show.
I don't think ANY of this is asking too much, is it?
Cate has asked that I publish this too. So she can "bookmark them for handy reference":
How not to kiss people you don't want to marry:
1. Be sober around them.
2. Analyse the kissing before it happens. This = fruitcake.
3. Hang around in places one does not do kissing. Like... hmmm.....your accountants office. While you're waiting to see the doctor.
:-)
Cate thought that this should be published somewhere "more public than her inbox":
How to snog people you don't want to marry:
1. Drink two bottles of wine.
2. Only find them physically attractive. this is handy so you don't turn into fruitcake.
3. Be in romantic places. Not like, loiter around them waiting for people who might kiss you. No. Go to romantic places with people you might want to kiss. Then it's kind of rude not to.
:-)
Most of you will know, that as much as I'm a sociable little butterfly, I get narky if I don't get enough alone time. Which, if I'm honest is spent watching bad films and eating food that will give me a heart attack. Yep. I ditch you for fried chicken and Julia Roberts. Sorry.
But I've realised now how important that time is. Especially at the moment. The date I had at the weekend was actually perfect. And said guy is great. But I don't want to jump into anything at the moment. I'm just happy being me. Just me. On my own.
This is the first time in ages that things have been right. Work is great. I actually have a career for goodness sake. I've got rid of some dead weight in my life that I just don't need, and I've ditched friends that aren't good for me. I'm really truly happy.
When I'm not happy, I have a habit of thinking a guy will solve all of my problems. Or, at least distract me from them. Which is of course rubbish. Men are not magic genies. They are pretty silly a lot of the time. But I like to focus on something else instead of sorting my life out. Let's face it, as much as I enjoy writing, having sex is much more fun than writing proposals to Time Out.
So now, I've got everything sorted and I actually skipped into work a little bit yesterday. And yeah, of all the times for me to start seeing someone, now would be it. But after chatting with Cate yesterday and drinking a few glasses of wine, I realised that just because it's probably the right time for me, doesn't mean I have to start seeing someone. I just want to spend time having fun and enjoying being me. Despite that sounding like something from a self-help book.
I just don't think I need a man right now. I'm having too much fun with all of the new things going on in my life. Like waking up smiling, that kinda thing. Yeah, I'm sure it would be great with a guy too, but it wouldn't be any better.
People I've seen:
Neil, Cate, Virgil, Ang, Leon, Sofia, Alan, James, Chris, Dean.
People I've spoken to but did not see:
T, Dave H, my Dad, Jane.
My most interesting text message:
NHS tea would be grim. It would all come out of a big vat in Hull. Yuk! - Dave Haste.
Things I've eaten:
Cheese, yummiest bread ever, salad, egg curd tart, BBQ stuff, thai food, fried chicken, cookies.
Things I've drunk:
Chablis, beer, beer, beer, wine, fizzy drinks, smoothie, water.
Things I've talked about:
Brussels, writing, silliness, favourite films, travelling, China, ovaries, excitement, website projects, new job, Debra Charity, university, archeology, ice cream, secret passageways, London, rowing boats, hayfever.
I've smoked:
About 20 cigarettes. But I went through about 40 coz all of my friends are theiving bastards.
Places I've been:
Richmond, Vauxhall, Kennington, Fitzrovia, Charing Cross, My House.
I've spent:
About 50 quid I reckon. Which probably means I've spent about £65-70. Hey ho.
Weekend rating:
10/10
*
Ps - Yes, the date went rather well. Thanks for asking.
I'm watching films this evening (Pretty Woman, Before Sunrise... Before Sunset soon too) and mooching about the webby world for stuff to distract me. I want to to be morning so that I won't be tired and can go out and play. In the mean time, I was nosing the lovely Laura's blog and saw her game... it's a meme game and I like the word meme I think it's adorably cute so here's my version....
I often type into google 'Cate is' or 'Matt is' and stuff, but this one is all the things that come up when I type in 'Sian likes'... are you excited yet?
Sian Likes to pick up paper in Towns...
Do I? hmm... if it is shiny, then yes. I might do that. Or those little Origami pigeons in Trafalgar Square. I saw a project of origami butterflies once that people posted to one another, or left at peoples doors to cheer them up. They'd write messages on them and then the messages were relayed onto a website. I liked it.
Sian likes friends.
I do. Both the show and her friends. Today I have particularly enjoyed the email banter with Cate and the Friends episode where Pheobe sings songs to the kids. I do both when I'm tired but it was great to catch up with Cate while we were being lazy lazy.
Sian likes to buy a bargain.
Well yes. I do. But not just for the sake of it. But if I find something wonderful and I would have bought it anyway then this will make me quite happy. I am learning to be better with money. Although I do not care for the strange wording of the sentence.
Sian likes to look at Mothercare and other catalogues with babies in.
Oh come on! Even babies I know freak me out most of the time.
Sian likes to sit on my back and put little toy lollypops on my finger.
What does this mean? Really! I don't think I like to do this. But the childishness of it appeals.
Sian likes to be on top.
Really not the place. My dad reads this blog.
Sian likes to make funny faces.
I do. But I do not do this often enough. I will. Right now. I did. It was fun.
Sian likes to fall asleep in front of the television and lists her hobbies as reading, ironing...
I actually have not ironed in over a year and refuse to buy clothes that will ever need ironing. Come on, I go shopping instead of doing laundry for goodness sake. I do fall asleep in front of the telly lots though. And I haven't read a good book in ages. I blames my IPod.
Sian likes to work impulsively.
I do indeed. Even if it is very late at night. And I don't think twice about starting new projects. But sometimes I start too many things and get in a muddle of what to do next.
Sian likes to sing Amy Winehouse songs.
Noooooo. I like to sing Foo Fighters songs. Badly.
Sian likes to talk.
Erm... yes this is true. I talk too much and sometimes don't listen and sometimes interupt people when I get excited which is a very bad habit.
Sian likes to tease...
Maybe I do...
There's a world of difference between people I know and the people I love. That might seem fairly obvious, but there's a small handful of people who support me in more ways than they'll ever realise.
I wouldn't be able to be a freelance writer without them. I'm not even sure I'd be a very successful writer. I reckon I'd go crazy without them. Sam often keeps my feet on the ground when things get messy and I feel like I'm not coping with it all. Cate always tells me that I can do all these mad and crazy things without question. She never stops believing in me.
There are people like Ang and Virgil who just trust what I'm doing. They never question it. Friends who are excited by everything I do and all of the writing I put out there. They just trust that I'm doing the right thing, and that I can do it. That I can write. Sometimes when I'm having a tough day, it's really important for me to hear that.
So when I think about last weekend, when I was sad and felt like I'd been treated badly by an old friend, I think about things and realise it doesn't matter. Because my real friends are the most brilliant people in my life. They believe in me all the time. Even when I don't believe in myself.
The scariest writing thing is happening to me today. I'm scared of writing. Which to most non-writers is going to make me sound like a moron. But those of you who have ever tried to scribble on a blank page or type something onto an empty screen will know how scary this is.
Especially when your prospective client is uber cool and chic.
I don't usually have a problem with uber cool. Cate insisted to me this morning that I really am cool and as she put it, I'm very 'Dazed and Confused' which I like to think she meant in a nice way. But now I'm sitting at my laptop and I'm trying to be cool. Which is stupid. I'm trying to portray that I'm cool to someone I've never met and probably never will.
Which is frankly, ridiculous.
Instead of writing silly, amusing things off the cuff like I usually would, I've second guessed every single sentence I've written. I've deleted them all, deciding that they're rubbish. The worst thing is, they're probably not that bad. But today, I just don't trust myself.
This is the scariest thing in the world for a writer. This is 'hiding behind the sofa' scary. I might go and do that instead of staring at a blank screen.
